Kids: Not Even Born and Already Trouble

Here's a convo with my friend, Justin Heeren about my visit to the fertility specialist. For the record, I think the effort will be completely worth it.
4:18 PM me: My wife and I have been trying to have kid #2 for six months now with interesting results.I should say, no results.

Well, three results that didn't "stick."

:P

The whole process has been a roller coaster.

4:19 PM Justin: Yikes. I can about imagine.

me: On top of that, in order to even try, I've been off my arthritis meds for almost a year.

I've avoided the rheumatic effects up until last week.

Justin: Eek... sorry to hear that man.

4:20 PM me: But now they're beginning to afflict me with a vengeance! Yowch!

It's all part of the deal.

Justin: If you don't mind me asking... why'd you stop taking them in the first place? Just felt you didn't need 'em?

me: I had to stop taking them. Unless we want a kid with three heads and fish lungs.

Justin: AHH... wow. Gotcha.

4:21 PM Although... that'd be a whole different WORLD of interesting.

me: Just my luck: one of like, three prescription medications that affects men's fertility, and I'm on one of them.

:P

I had to go to the fertility doctor last week.

And leave a, um, sample.

4:22 PM It was an interesting experience.

Esp. since the doctor that is overseeing my case is an attractive young woman.

:P

4:23 PM Justin: LOL (Sorry, I shouldn't laugh at that, but the mental image is a funny one.)

me: Uh, it actually makes things more difficult.

As in, far more awkward and embarrassing.

It'd be way easier if my doctor were some septuagenarian dude with jowls and spectacles.

Justin: I could about imagine. LOL

4:24 PM Holding out a cup with one shaky, liver-spotted hand.

me: haha

The whole experience is surreal. They lead you to a private room with a big, comfy reclining chair and some, er, magazines.

4:25 PM Justin: Are they at least tasteful magazines, or are they sleazy? LOL

me: Then they put down a sterile towel on the chair, give you a vial and explain how to label it.

Of course, the magazines are intended as "sample providing aids."

4:26 PM Justin: LMAO "sample providing aids"? Awesome.

me: Uh huh.

Mortifying.

Justin: Wow. I can about imagine.

me: So, I attempt some humor with the doctoress.

4:27 PM I asked her why they didn't offer a range of reading choices, from Sears Roebuck Catalog: Lingerie Section on up. Or should that be on down?

Justin: LOL I'd have chuckled.

me: I was like, these won't do it for me. Where are your goat-and-dwarves-in-leather materials?

She gave me a strange look, then burst out laughing.

4:28 PM Justin: At least she laughed. That'd been hella awkward if she hadn't.

me: I was afraid for a second.

Then, I took a while to provide my "sample." I guess, longer than normal. Performance anxiety, you know.

4:29 PM Justin: I don't think I'd be able to perform at all. :| That'd be more than just a little pressure.

me: Yeah, well it applies when I'm trying to deposit samples with my wife, too. When I gave her the bottle (demurely hidden in a brown paper bag,) she yanked that sucker out and shook it up some and looked at it with a critical eye.

Strangely, that's probably the first time I blushed.

Justin: LOL Holy crap!

me: She's like, this looks okay.

I'm like, I wouldn't know. :|

4:30 PM Oh, and I told her I took a while because I was reading the articles.

Which I did!
A couple good interviews in ye olde Playboy!